I have never been one to share my personal story on social media or to be looking for attention. The point of all this is therapeutic for me to get my thoughts out there, but also for your own amusement. Though I do not consider myself a comedian by any means, however hilarious situations seem to fall into my lap more frequently than the average person.
My story starts off a year and a half after a major move across the country with my husband. I have been in the 9-1-1 field for a total of eleven years now. My husband of almost seven years has been a police officer just as long. We have been married for almost seven years, dating for ten, and recently decided to get divorced for a multitude of reasons (that I will eventually tell you about), but it’s amicable. He decided to move back home across the country and did his first trip back last week. He came back today for the rest of his stuff as well as our dog. We accepted an offer on our home last night and I will have to move on my own next month. I am 34 years old, starting completely over in a city with which I haven’t lived in for long, and have no family here and am still making friends. As scary as all that sounds, I could not be happier. The area I’m moving to is very near a “downtown” area of a small town… That is to say it has “Main Street” with little shops and restaurants all within a ten minute walk from my new rental property. For the first time in my life I have the confidence and freedom to do anything I want without having to check in with anyone else.
Now that you’re up on the current situation, some background about myself…. I am the oldest of three- my younger brother is a year and half behind me. My half sister is 17 years younger than me- yes, that is not a typo. My mom was 43 when she had her and that was the best form of birth control you could give a teenage girl. I am closer with my sister than I am with my brother to be completely honest. She is beautiful, strong, funny, and athletic- assistant captain of the boys hockey team. Unlike me… I was a huge nerd in high school- honors classes, marching band, speech team, the whole nine yards. I was never the pretty girl (that I was aware of) and I’ve always been awkward. Now I’m being told that I’m hot, so I’m not sure when that happened. I’m definitely still awkward, but it’s endearing? I love movies, clothes, make up, bags, home decorating, refinishing furniture, and my cat. I got swept into direct sales part time briefly and that was a waste of time and money. I am the most basic of bitches. I love mason jars and shabby farmhouse decor. The list goes on…
I have spent most of my life making the smart and responsible decisions. On paper they always looked great, but sometimes had an emotional risk. Not to say that I am detached, but after years in this field, I have learned to control my emotions and am completely repulsed by drama in my own life. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen anyway, but I try my best to avoid it. I will attempt to help anyone as best as I can, but not at the sacrifice of my own well being most of the time. I don’t intend for that to sound as selfish as it does, but there is no way I can take care of you if I don’t take care of myself. Outwardly I am bubbly and goofy and try my hardest to keep a positive attitude for the benefit of others. Life is too short to spend it unhappy all the time and being positive is contagious. My mom always referred to me as a duck on water. On the surface I am calm and peaceful, but my legs are churning under the water.
Beneath the surface, I embrace my feelings in an odd way. That is to say, when I do feel sadness, I appreciate that without it, I cannot feel happiness. I know the feelings are temporary and submit to them so I can move on. I dealt with a lot of pain and loss early on in my life stemming back to an alcoholic father that I could never seem to connect with and even chose to blame me for his drinking when I was in high school. I was extremely close to my grandfather, however he died when I was 17 and to this day, if I think about him too much, I will weep as if he left me yesterday. I lost my grandmother many years later, and I felt that she was probably the only person in this world that missed him more than I did. From a young age, I grew up much too quickly and found myself not fitting in or understanding people my age. I was always a floater with groups of friends and while I had random friends over the years, I can’t say I have a “best friend” that I still keep in touch with after all these years.
None of this is to say “poor me” by any means. I grew up blessed with family that loved me and supported me, but also held me to high standards. My grandmother and mother are the strongest women I have ever known. Neither put up with indecent men, both the most down to earth and generous women I have ever known, and neither let anyone tell them how to live their lives. I miss my grandmother, but on some level, her passing allowed for my mother and I to become closer. My grandparents lived next door to us and my mom took the primary responsibility of taking care of both of them until they died. We understood and never were upset over it, but it led to resentment towards other members of the family when we were older and realized how much we had missed out on. I have no regrets over the time spent with my grandmother and now that she’s gone, I miss her terribly. My mom is so supportive to the point I know it hurts her that she wants me to come home, but won’t tell me. She always tells me how proud she is and I feel bad for putting her at arms length right now, but talking to her makes me cry and vulnerable and I really need to let this pass first.
As you join me on this journey of rediscovery and new relationship experiences, I hope you can learn from my mistakes or be inspired in some way. I am already starting to date again and swiping left and right has proven to be amusing to say the least. I know it may be shocking that I’ve moved on so quickly, however, our marriage has been on the rocks for months prior to this decision. I am no where near ready for any sort of real commitment. I’m just looking for distractions and confidence boosters to fill the void.
Walking the Gold Line 
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